A Brand New Little Britain Episode
by Bobby South
Summary: Here are some new sketches with my favourite characters.
1. Lou and Andy  Haircuit

INTRODUCTION

NARRATOR (V/O):

Britain! Briton! Britain! The best place to live on the world! Why did the human race ever wanted to go and explore and, what's worse, live there? But what makes this island better than the rest of the world? It's the people of Britain and that's the best attraction on this show! Glory to God!

* * *

EXT. HERBY – STREET – DAY

Lou is pushing Andy down the street very quiet and all alone.

NARRATOR (V/0):

Lou and Andy are walking in the streets in this very busy and heaving town of Herby.

A sexy young tan lady in a green dress approaches Lou.

LADY:

Hi, Lou. How are you?

LOU:

Very good, thanks, luv. You look lovely. You're going somewhere nice?

LADY:

Yes, on my honeymoon to the Caribbean. I only brought it today.

Meanwhile, Andy finishes chewing his chewing gum so he spits on the lady's dress.

LOU:

Well, have a great time.

LADY:

Thank you.

Lou pushes Andy on, leaving the lady to wonder how the chewing gum got on her dress.

INT. HAIRDRESSERS – DAY

Lou and Andy are looking at two groups of pictures on the wall. On the left is the group of example hairstyles and the right has pictures of animals.

LOU:

Have you decided how you want your hair to be?

ANDY:

(Points without looking) Yeah, I want that one.

Lou walks to the picture Andy pointed and he sees a horse.

LOU:

_That_ one? But that's a horse.

ANDY:

Yeah, I know.

LOU:

You want your hair to be like a horse?

ANDY:

No, just its tail.

LOU:

Well, that'll be a right kerfuffle. Besides, I thought you weren't picky with hairstyles. I thought you said that hairstyles were a complete waste of time and uses a lot of unnecessary resources from the world therefore damaging it.

ANDY:

Yeah, I know.

LOU:

(Moving to the left hand side) Well, let's move to the left hand side. Now which one do you want from these?

ANDY:

(Points to the same one) I told you, that one!

LOU:

Are you sure?

ANDY:

Yeah!

LOU:

All right. If you say so.

LATER…

The hairdresser finishes with Andy. Lou and Andy look in the mirror and see that Andy is completely bald with only a horse's tail design on the back of his neck.

HAIRDRESSER:

That'll be £25.50, please.

LOU:

(Giving him the money) There you go. Well, Andy, what do you think?

ANDY:

I don't like it.

Lou angrily grabs a fire extinguisher and bangs his head with it.


	2. Piano Man  Burp and Fart

EXT. ALBERT HALL – NIGHT

NARRATOR (V/O):

At the Uncle Albert Hall, a piano man is studying very hard.

INT. ALBERT HALL – NIGHT

The Piano Man is playing Piano Concerto No. 1 by Ludwig Van Beethoven. Then he lets out a great big BRUP!

PIANO MAN:

Oh, I'm sorry.

He contuines and breaks a big WIND!

PIANO MAN (CONT'D):  
I'm sorry again.

He chuckles and carries on playing.


	3. Roy and Mr Mann  Game Shop

INT. GAME SHOP – DAY

Roy stands at the counter of this massive game shop, covered in games from XBOX 360, Playstation 3, Wii, Nintendo DS and PC Rom games.

NARRATOR (V/O):

It is a quarter to Kevin and Mr. Mann is taking his son Master Boy to look at some video games.

Mr. Mann enters with his son, Master Boy, who looks like twelve-year-old version of Mr. Mann.

ROY:

Oh, hello.

MR. MAN:

Hello.

ROY:

What can I do for you today?

MR. MAN:

Not for me, for my son.

MASTER BOY:

I would like a _Ratchet and Clank: Joining the retired Master Chief to defeat the Elites_ on a Wii game, developed by Disney Interactive and aged 18+.

ROY:

Right. (Looks around). I can't see any here. One moment. (Steps back and calls behind him). MARGARET! MARGARET!

PAUSE. Roy and Mr. Man exchange smiles at each other, while Master Boy gets out his Nintendo DS and starts playing.

MASTER BOY:

Yes! I'm winning! I'm winning!

MARGARET (OOV):

YES?

A beep from the Nintendo DS.

MASTER BOY:

Oh, man, I _was_ winning!

ROY:

There's a gentleman and a very young gentleman here who wants to know if we have _Ratchet and Clank: Joining the retired Master Chief to defeat the Elites_ on a Wii game, developed by Disney Interactive!

MASTER BOY:

Aged 18+.

ROY:

(To Margaret) Aged 18+!

MARGARET (OOV):

I don't know!

ROY:

She says she doesn't know.

MR. MANN:

Oh.

MASTER BOY:

Oh, man!

ROY:

(To Margaret) Oh. Oh, man!

MARGARET (OOV):

Roy, why don't you give him the game chart? It might have something for him.

ROY:

Oh, that's a good idea. I'll show him the game chart.

Roy gets the game chart. Master Boy walks to it and reads it. He tells Roy to flip the page over. And again. And again. And again. And he tells Roy to go back a page.

MASTER BOY:

I'll take the old game, _Super Mario 64_.

Roy goes back and gives him a _Super Mario 64_ Nintendo 64 game.

MASTER BOY (CONT'D):

On Playstation One.

ROY:

(Sighs) You are just like your old man.

MR. MAN:

And I'm proud of him.

Mr. Man puts his arm around his son. Roy can't believe this is happening.


	4. Ray McCooney  Swimming Pool

EXT. YE OLDE HOTELE – DAY

It is raining outside the hotel, with a man and a woman sun-bathing.

NARRATOR (V/O):

Scotland is always the one to visit in any and every Must-See destination books.

INT. YE OLDE HOTELE – SWIMMING POOL – DAY

The swimming pool is big and large with two water slides. Children are playing in it, while the grown-ups are relaxing in the Jacuzzi or in the steam room. Ray McCooney is walking around with a health inspector (played by Matt Lucas in a Scottish accent).

RAY:

And, finally, this is the swimming pool. Inspect it yourself.

Ray plays the drums to a nervous beat. The Health Inspector begins to inspect, with Ray following him very closely.

HEALTH INSPECTOR:

Well, I'm very impressed.

Ray plays the piccolo in triumph music.

HEALTH INSPECTOR (CONT'D):

But, Mr. McCooney…

RAY:

Y-y-y-ye-e-e-es-s-s-s?

HEALTH INSPECTOR (CONT'D):

…I must ask you some questions. Have you had any pests here?

RAY:

Maybe I have and maybe I haven't.

Ray plays the tuba.

HEALTH INSPECTOR:

Well?

RAY:

Well, I was relaxing on this sundeck here (sits on it) and I began to play the pipe.

He plays the pipes and rats come all over the place! Everyone screams and gets out of the pool! Ray quickly opens the emergency doors, plays the flute and the rats all scurry out. He shuts the doors and calls to the customers.

RAY (CONT'D):

Everyone, please! They've gone! Come back and have fun.

The customers nervously do so.

HEALTH INSPECTOR (CONT'D):

Anything else?

RAY:

Ah, Y-y-y-ye-e-e-es-s-s-s! I was checking the water of this pool here and I was a little bored so I decided to play this snake flute.

Ray places the flute and out of the water shoots up the cobra snakes! Everyone screams and gets out and runs out and they don't come back! Ray and the Inspector are left alone.

RAY (CONT'D):

Well, Mr. Potter, that's all. Let me put this bag in the rubbish bin and then we'll go upstairs.

He puts the bag in the bin and then a large fox dives into the bin. Later, a whole litter of foxes appear in the room. All Ray can do is smile at the Inspector.


	5. Man in the Restaurant

INT. RESTAURANT – DAY

NARRATOR (V/O):

Manwhile, a lunch order is being taken.

The man is sitting at the table, looking at the menu. The waiter comes by.

WAITER:

Would you like to order, sir?

MAN:

Yes, I'll have the chicken wings to start with.

WAITER:

And for your main course?

MAN:

A roast turkey.

WAITER:

Any vegetables?

MAN:

Just potatoes.

WAITER:

As you wish, sir.

The man gives the waiter the menu. Just as the waiter leaves…

MAN:

And a bag of Wotsits. Baked.


	6. Linda Flint  Bonnie and Clyde

INT. LINDA'S OFFICE – DAY

NARRATOR (V/O):

Meanwoo, at this university, Linda Flint is enjoying a large meal of cheese on crackers.

LINDA:

(To her toy Gromit) Cracking cheese on toast, Gromit. (There's a knock on the door). Just a minute. Finish this up. (She finishes it). Come in.

A very young woman with scruffy blonde hair and is wearing yellow glasses comes in and a strange-looking quiet young man comes in with her. They both sit down.

LINDA (CONT'D):

Oh, hello. What can I do for you two?

WOMAN:

I'm Maggie Duncan and this is my friend George Thomas.

GEORGE:

Hello.

MAGGIE:

We're struggling with our course and we only need support staff to explain stuff to us and then we can get through it.

LINDA:

What are your problems?

MAGGIE:

He has asperger syndrome and I have dyslexia.

LINDA:

All right, I'll give Martin a call and see what I can do. (She dials the phone). Martin, it's Linda. I've got two students here who need support staff so they can pass their course. It's Maggie and George. How can I describe them? They're both beautiful and very polite and very quiet.

George and Maggie smile at this.

LINDA (CONT'D):

Not exactly a strong chemistry like Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Quite a lot of hard work, which could give you a headache. Not worth taking a bullet for. That's right: Bonnie and Clyde!

George and Maggie are very upset by these insults. Linda puts the phone down.

LINDA (CONT'D):

He says you'll get the support tomorrow, both of you.

GEORGE:

Well, thanks.

MAGGIE:

See you later.

They get up and begin to walk out. Then they stop when they hear:

LINDA:

(As she's working) Step on it, Velma. Step on it, Velma. Velma, step on it, Velma!

They walk out.


	7. Roy and Mr Mann  Cake Shop

INT. CAKE SHOP – DAY

Roy stands behind the counter of this delicious cake shop.

NARRATOR (V/O):

It's five to Steve and Mr. Mann is taking his daughter, Miss Girl, to a cake shop. I love cakes. I have a thousand caters making cakes for me because I just hate doing the hard work.

Then, like magic, Mr. Mann and his daughter Miss Girl appear straight behind the counter.

ROY:

Oh, hello.

MR. MANN:

Hello.

MISS GIRL:

Hello.

ROY:

How did you get in here?

MR. MANN:

(By pointing to the front door) By opening that door.

ROY:

Right. Can I help you?

MISS GIRL:

Do you have any cakes with salt and pepper sponge with banana jam with chocolate icing and with the words: "To Miss Girl, the best girl in the world"?

ROY:

(Looks around) I can't see any here. Margaret knows all the cakes. One moment. (Steps back). MARGARET! MARGARET!

Roy and Mr. Mann exchanges smiles to each other.

MARGARET (V/O):

Yes?

ROY:

There's a gentleman and a very young woman here who wants to know if we have any cakes with salt and pepper sponge with banana jam with chocolate icing!

MISS GIRL:

With the words: "To Miss Girl, the best girl in the world".

ROY:

With the words: "To Miss Girl, the best girl in the world"!

MARGARET (OOV)

I don't know!

ROY:

She doesn't know.

MISS GIRL:

Oh.

ROY:

(To Margaret) Oh!

MARGARET (OOV):

We got a chocolate sponge cake with banana icing with strawberry cream!

ROY:

Oh, she says we got a chocolate sponge cake with banana icing with strawberry cream!

MISS GIRL:

What are you, sick?

ROY:

(To Margaret) What are you, sick?

MARGARET (OOV):

Yes! I've been throwing up in the toilet a lot!

Throwing up can be heard.

ROY:

Sorry about that. She'll get better soon.

MISS GIRL:

Do you have a chocolate cake with jam in it?

ROY:

I think we have just the thing.

Roy gets a perfectly good cake that fits her description and shows it to her.

ROY:

Well, what do you think?

MISS GIRL:

How much does it cost?

ROY:

We're doing a special offer by 35% which would bring it to only £13.90.

MISS GIRL:

Oh, I was hoping to spend around £13.75.

MR. MANN:

(To Roy) You see, she takes after her father.

ROY:

(Sighs) Yes! I can see that!


	8. Dame Sally  Autobiography

EXT. DAME SALLY'S HOUSE – DAY

The gardener is trimming the hedges in the shape of an anus.

NARRATOR (V/O):

This is the home of Dame Sally Markham, the world's best romantic author. Romances are what linked me to my marriages but they're not useful when it comes to divorces.

INT. STUDY – DAY

Dame Sally is lying on the sofa, while Miss Grace is typing on the writing desk.

NARRATOR (V/O/CONT'D):

Today, this famous author is writing her autobiography.

DAME SALLY:

And that is when I decided to become a romantic novelist and I have been writing ever since. The end! How many pages?

MISS GRACE:

(Counts) Six.

DAME SALLY:

Oh. "If you don't believe me, take a look at some fan mail." Open the post bag, Miss Grace.

Miss Grace opens the bag and reads the post.

DAME SALLY (CONT'D):

What do they say?

MISS GRACE:

(Reading the post) Arnold Jones from Bolton says, "What is she thinking as much as she is writing?" Katie Richardson from Doncaster says, "She'll never make it into the history of romatinc novels!" And Michelle Trish from Manchester says, "As a romantic fan as I am, I have read better action-packed bestsellers than – "

DAME SALLY (CONT'D):

All right! All right! Just change the fan mail into positive comments and put that in my autobiography. (Doorbell rings). Oh, that'll be the chocolate delivery man. Go and pay him and bring the sweets up here to me, will you, Miss Grace? All this is hard work.

Miss Grace sighs and bangs her hand on the typewriter.


	9. Marjorie Dawes  Food Fight

INT. FAT FIGHTERS CENTRE – DAY

The members are sat down in their chairs.

NARRATOR (V/O):

This is the place for people to help fat people before they get murdered for being that way.

Marjorie Dawes enters.

MARJORIE:

Hello, fat faces! Today we have a nneeewww game we could play. (Walks over to the table full with food). As it's the last day before the Christmas holidays, I thought we could play this game. I ask a question and every time you get it right, you'll get a treat. Okay, Paul, who are the companions to Texas Pete in _SuperTed_?

PAUL:

Bulk and Skeleton.

MARJORIE:

No, it was Bulk and Skull! But I'm being nice. Here, have a chocolate.

She throws the chocolate and it splats right in Paul's face!

MARJORIE (CONT'D):

Okay. Nnneeewww question. Who was the most famous king of the Tudors? Pat?

PAT:

King Henry VIII.

MARJORIE:

No, it was Queen Elizabeth I. Anyway, here's your cream cake for the night.

She throws the cake on Pat's shirt.

MARJORIE (CONT'D):

Okay! Next question. Who was the genius who invented the telephone? Meera?

MEERA:

Alexander Graham Bell.

MARJORIE:

Do it again.

MEERA:

Alexander Graham Bell.

MARJORIE:

Do it again.

MEERA:

Alexander Graham Bell.

MARJORIE:

No, I can't. Do it again.

MEERA:

Alexander Graham Bell.

MARJORIE:

Do it again.

PAUL:

She said, "Alexander Graham Bell"!

MARJORIE:

Hey, I wasn't asking you! But, on the other hand, she tried her best and you helped her so I'll give you both a treat. Open up!

Marjorie flicks a spoon of curry onto Meera's dress and Paul's shirt!

MARJORIE:

Okay, nnneeewww question. Tania, who was the first President of the United States of America?

TANIA:

George Washington.

MARJORIE:

No, it was Abraham Lincoln!

Marjorie throws a bowl of jelly on Tania's head.

MARJORIE (CONT'D):

Well, I'm having a good time, aren't you?

Everyone stares annoyed at her.


	10. Dennis Waterman  The Hobbit

INT. JEREMY RENT'S OFFICE – DAY

Jeremy Rent is on the phone. It's raining outside.

NARRATOR (V/O):

In Troot, Jeremy Rent the agent is negotiating for his clients. I was an agent once and I was more secret than James Bond.

JEREMY:

So that's my client, David Tennant, to play the Riddler in the new Batman mini-series. How much are you offering? (Pause). Well, I'm sorry, but he won't work for less than £2,000. Goodbye!

He slams the phone down.

INTERCOM (V/O):

Dennis Waterman here to see you.

JEREMY:

(Presses the button) Excellent, send him in.

Dennis enters with a giant candy floss stick, with lots of candy on it.

DENNIS:

Hello! I got you some candy.

JEREMY:

That's very nice of you, Den.

Jeremy takes the giant candy floss and it now looks like normal size now. Dennis sits down.

DENNIS:

It was a tough journey through the rain!

JEREMY:

Well, this will be worth it, because I just had a call from Peter Jackson.

DENNIS:

Peter who? From the author, Rick Riordan?

JEREMY:

No! That's _Percy_ Jackson. _Peter_ Jackson, the director of _The Lord of the Rings_ Trilogy, _Heavenly Creatures_ and _King Kong_.

DENNIS:

From 1933?

JEREMY:

(Sighs). Anyway, he's making a prequel to _The Lord of the Rings_ Trilogy called the _The Hobbit_ and he wants you to play Bilbo Baggins.

DENNIS:

Oh, that's nice. So they want me to star in it, write da feem toon and sing da feem toon?

JEREMY:

Oh, no. They got their own music people, who created the wonderful music for the trilogy. They wouldn't want to get rid of them.

DENNIS:

I can do better than that!

Evil has taken over the land, do-do-do-do-do

There seems to be no good at hand, do-do-do-do-do

I've got a good idea, just you keep me near

I'd be so good for Middle-Earth!

JERMEY:

Oh, God!

The rain comes through the roof! Dennis falls off the chair and is floating away out of the room in a flood!


	11. Mr Cleeves  PE

EXT. KESLEY GRAMMAR SCHOOL – DAY

The bell rings and a lot of children run out of the school. As soon as they begin to talk or play ball or eat, the bell goes off again! The children sadly go back in.

NARRATOR (V/O):

Over at Kelsey Grammar School, Mr. Cleeves is teaching his class P.E.

INT. SPORTS CENTRE – DAY

Mr. Cleeves, in a white shirt and blue shorts and white trainers, is addressing the students, who are very much wearing the same.

MR. CLEEVES:

Right, we'll start off with a few warm-ups. Let's jog on the spot.

The bored children do it easily, whereas Mr. Cleeves is out of breath already!

MR. CLEEVES (CONT'D):

(Panting) Right, let's move on the main sport. Today, we'll be doing… boxing! It's good for self-defence and you will show the muggers who are boss. Right, first volunteer. Clark?

Clark puts the boxing gloves on and walks to him. Mr. Cleeves punches him.

MR. CLEEVES (CONT'D):

Clark, you'll die if you just stand there like a statue! Johnson!

Johnson takes the boxing gloves, puts them on and walks to the teacher. Mr. Cleeves throws a punch, but Johnson blocks him off. Johnson keeps blocking off Mr. Cleeves's moves from the head and the stomach. Then Mr. Cleeves steps on his foot and punches Johnson in the stomach.

MR. CLEEVES (CONT'D):

Not bad, Johnson, but watch for your foot work can be your undoing. Meacher!

Meacher takes the boxing gloves and walks to the teacher.

LATER…

All the children are badly bruised and bandaged up! Mr. Cleeves is annoyed and angry.

MR. CLEEVES (CONT'D):

Oh, my god. That was disgraceful lesson. You'll have to do better than that if you want to survive and live on! Well, what do you have to say for yourselves?

The children just moan and groan. They can't speak properly.

MR. CLEEVES (CONT'D):

That's what I thought!


	12. Roy and Mr Mann Flower Shop

INT. FLOWER SHOP – DAY

Roy is behind the counter of this beautiful shop, filled with beautiful flowers, big and small and all very colourful.

NARRATOR (V/O):

It is morning in the afternoon and Mr. Mann is taking his wife, Mrs. Woman, to the flower shop. Flowers are what makes cakes taste sssssooooooo good!

Mr. Mann and Mrs. Woman walk in and go the counter.

ROY:

Oh, hello.

MR. MANN:

Hello.

MRS. WOMAN:

Hello.

ROY:

Can I help you?

MRS. WOMAN:

I was wondering if you had any grey tulips under the Latin name _Japonica Solia_ in the Rhodendron family.

ROY:

I don't know. One moment. (Steps back). MARGARET! MARGARET!

Roy smiles at Mr. Mann and Mrs. Woman.

MARGARET (OOV):

Yes?

ROY:

There's a gentleman and a woman here who wants to know if we have any grey tulips under the Latin name _Japonica Solia_!

MRS. WOMAN:

In the Rhodendron family.

ROY:

In the Rhodendron family!

MARGARET:

Does she know the English name?

ROY:

Do you know the English name?

MRS. WOMAN:

No.

ROY:

(To Margaret) No!

MARGARET:

Oh.

ROY:

Oh. Well, I don't know what to suggest.

MRS. WOMAN:

Do you have any pink tulips?

ROY:

Now that's more like it.

Roy picks up excellent-looking pink tulips.

MRS. WOMAN:

With blue leaves?

ROY:

I can see the chemistry between you two.

MRS. WOMAN:

No, I don't want any chemicals.

Roy gives up and starts eating the fallen petals on the desk.


	13. Kenny Craig  Art Class

INT. ART CLASSROOM – DAY

We are in a smart art classroom. At the far end stands a man all covered up in watches. At the other end, all the students are painting him.

NARRATOR (V/O):

Stage hypnotist Kenny Craig is taking an art class. I love art apart from the fact that you can still get an attack from it.

Kenny Craig is painting but doesn't look too happy. He has only drawn a man with nothing on at all, except watch faces. Nothing like the model at all! One student (played by David Williams) gets up and pops out of the room. Kenny has watched him and he goes to his painting. He sees that it's very good and exactly like the model.

LATER…

Kenny puts the best picture on his stand. The old female teacher comes by.

TEACHER:

Is that yours, Mr. Craig?

KENNY:

Yes. Magnificent, isn't it?

TEACHER:

I think it's George's painting and you stole it from him.

Kenny gets up.

KENNY:

Look into my eyes. Look into my eyes. The eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. Don't look around the eyes. Look into my eyes. (He snaps his fingers). You're under. I painted this masterpiece. I will win the prizes. George painted that crap painting. 3, 2, 1... (He snaps he fingers again). You're back in the room.

TEACHER:

Wow! That's very good. You're close to winning.

The student comes back and walks to them.

STUDENT:

Excuse me. Have you seen my painting? I can't… (He finds his). Hey, that's mine. What's it doing here?

Kenny gets up, clicks the teacher in the eyes and moves to the Student.

KENNY:

Look into my eyes. Look into my eyes. The eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. Don't look around the eyes. Look into my eyes. (He snaps his fingers). This is my painting. I painted this. Yours is in your area. 3, 2, 1... (He snaps he fingers again). You're back in the room.

STUDENT:

Oh, I see my painting. It's at my seat.

He walks on. The judges (played by Paul Putner and Steve Furst) arrive. They judge and inspect everyone's paintings. They come over to Kenny Craig's seat and look at the painting. CU on Kenny.

JUDGE #1 (OOV):

We have a winner.

Everyone claps. Kenny smiles and prepares for the 1st prize moment. PAUSE. Kenny looks around and is shocked to see that the student _has_ got the prize for _his_ painting.

KENNY:

Hey! Look into my eyes, everyone!

They do look at him in sunglasses! Even the model has put watches over his eyes. The teacher, in sunglasses as well, comes to him.

TEACHER:

You didn't think you could get away with _that_, could you?

Kenny doesn't know what to say or do.


	14. Emily and Florence  Finding a Job

EXT. OLD HAVEN – DAY

Emily and Florence are on their bicycle cycling.

EMILY:

Morning!

FLORENCE:

Afternoon!

NARRATOR (V/O):

In this seaside town of Old Haven, transvestites Emily and Florence are looking for jobs. The only part of jobs I do is getting the money.

EXT. OLD HAVEN – JOB CENTRE PLUS – DAY

The transvestites arrive at the job centre plus building and park it. Just as they get off, two young pranksters arrive and laugh at them.

FLORENCE:

(Male voice) Hey! What are you laughing at? Piss off!

The boys run in fear.

EMILY:

That showed them. (Shouting to the running boys, in his male voice) A bit of lady touch!

And they walk in.

INT. JOB CENTRE PLUS – DAY

Emily and Florence walk to the desk and they see a black-haired woman with glasses at the desk. It's Carol Beer. They clear their throats.

CAROL:

Yes, gentlemen? (The transvestites turn around and can't find any men). How can I help you?

EMILY:

We would like a job. A lady's job.

FLORENCE:

Oh, yes, not a man's job.

EMILY:

No way!

FLORENCE:

No!

EMILY:

No!

FLORENCE:

No!

EMILY:

No!

FLORENCE:

No!

EMILY:

(Manly voice) Shut up!

The lady types into her computer.

CAROL:

Computer says no.

EMILY:

Well, any jobs at all?

Carol shudder her shoulders.

FLORENCE:

Any job will do.

Carol types in.

CAROL:

You can have the job of a waitress or a prostitute.

EMILY/FLORENCE:

WAITRESS!

CAROL:

Okay, don't scream. Here's the address. Just make sure you CVs are top-notch.

EMILY:

(Taking the address) Okay.

* * *

A WEEK LATER…

EXT. COAL MINE – DAY

Outside a coal mine, a lot of dirty, strong mine men are sitting and taking a breather. Emily and Florence, dressed as sully maids, are serving the men beer. They hate it.

EMILY:

(Manly voice) I have had it!

FLORENCE:

(Manly voice) I'd like to get my hands on that woman!

Then they see Carol, writing on her board. They walk to her.

EMILY:

Excuse me. I'd like to change jobs!

FLORENCE:

Me too! It's full of muck and disease down there!

Carol just gives each of them a cough! And she walks off. Emily and Florence can't believe this.


	15. PM and Sebastian Aide Trouble

EXT. 10 DOWNING STREET – DAY

The policeman stands at the door.

NARRATOR (V/O):

This is 10 Downing Street, where the Prime Minister lives. I live on the opposite street, 10 Upping Street.

Then a sexy gorgeous tanned woman in a green dress walks past. The Policeman sees her and tried to run after her, but he struggles to go after her and decides to remain at the door.

INT. PRIME MINISTER'S OFFICE – DAY

The Prime Minister is speaking to the Chancellor. Sebastian stands by.

PRIME MINISTER:

Thank you for taking care of my duties while I'm on holiday, Robert. I really need this.

CHANCELLOR:

Hey, no problem. Maybe you'll be a better prime minister when you get back.

SEBASTIAN:

WHAT?

PRIME MINISTER:

Sebastian, please!

SEBASTIAN:

Are you sure you can trust this man? He's losing his brain as much as his hair!

PRIME MINISTER:

I'm sure he'll do fine.

CHANCELLOR:

Sebastian, either you work for me or you can have a leave of absent until the "proper prime minister" gets back.

SEBASTIAN:

My life ain't going to revolve around your arse!

CHANCELLOR:

Very well, you will not return until the Prime Minister returns.

PRIME MINISTER:

Sebastian, would you like show the Acting Prime Minister out now?

Sebastian heads to the door and opens it. As the chancellor heads out, Sebastian kicks him in the bottom before closing the door.

PRIME MINISTER:

Sebastian, you don't have to defend me all the time. I'm quite capable of taking criticism.

SEBASTIAN:

Oh, you're worth it.

PRIME MINISTER:

I don't know what to say.

SEBASTIAN:

Well, this is a movie I'd like you to come and see with me.

PRIME MINISTER:

What's it called?

SEBASTIAN:

Jamie Blondie. A sort of James Bond, but very gay.

PRIME MINISTER:

Well, I promised my wife I'd take her to the latest romantic comedy film, _Business Wives_.

Sebastian looks disappointed.

PRIME MINISTER (CONT'D):

Are you all right, Sebastian?

SEBASTIAN:

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just sorry to report that your wife has been having an… affair with her aide.

PRIME MINISTER:

(In a Sebastian style) WHAT?

INT. PRIME MINISTER'S BEDROOM – DAY

The Prime Minister and Sebastian burst into his bedroom. They find Sarah getting changed and her aide near her.

SARAH:

Darling, what's going on?

PRIME MINISTER:

(Very angry) You know very well. What your aide is doing to you!

SARAH:

What has Jenny done?

SEBASTIAN:

She's been having an affair with you!

JENNY:

What? That's ridiculous! It must be the time that she was also mugged and I swooped in and I saved her and I was only comforting her.

PRIME MINISTER:

All right, I'll let you off. I'm sorry. (Turns to Sebastian). I want a word with you, Sebastian!

He storms out and an ashamed Sebastian follows. Sarah and Jenny sighs.

SARAH:

That was way too close. You did very well.

JENNY:

Oh, well, you're worth it, love.

Then Sarah and Jenny kiss each other. Then Sarah gets properly dressed.


	16. Lou and Andy  The Jig is Up

EXT. ANDY'S FLAT – DAY

Lou is walking up to Andy's flat.

NARRATOR (V/O):

After spending a sleepless night from taking too many sleeping pills, Lou is on his way to his friend Andy's.

INT. ANDY'S FLAT – DAY

Andy, in his wheelchair, is watching monster trucks. Lou comes in.

LOU:

Morning, Andy.

ANDY:

Morning, Jude.

LOU:

Lou!

ANDY:

Yeah, I know.

LOU:

Well, I'll get your breakfast on. Is there anything you want me to do before I start?

ANDY:

Yeah, I want you to put a tape in.

LOU:

Okay. (He bends down and gets out two tapes). Which one do you want?

ANDY:

(Points without looking) That one.

LOU:

_That_ one? But that one is _Battlefield: Earth_.

ANDY:

Yeah, I know.

LOU:

But you don't like that film. You said it ruined John Travolta's career and everyone who made it was wasting their time.

ANDY:

Yeah, I know.

LOU:

Well, how about a better film? How about _Toy Story_ _2_?

ANDY:

(Points to the same one) I want that one!

LOU:

(Under his breath) Make your damn mind up!

Lou puts the tape in and the movie plays.

ANDY:

I don't like it.

LOU:

Well, I'm sorry, but if I don't get your breakfast on, the later meals are going to be right kerfuffles.

ANDY:

Yeah, I know.

LOU:

Well, I'll come and sort this out later.

Lou goes to the kitchen. Andy gets out of his wheelchair and sorts out the videos.

LOU (CONT'D/OOV):

Oh, I just forgot to check the electricity board. I don't want to… ANDY?

Andy turns around and sees that a shocked Lou has been watching.

LOU (CONT'D)  
You can walk?

ANDY:

(Gets up quickly) No! It's not what you think!

LOU:

And I have spent my entire time looking after a spoilt – Well, I'm calling the Police to come here and arrest you! You're doomed, my old friend!

Lou wastes no time going to the phone. Andy quickly runs to the kitchen. He creeps up behind Lou with a frying pan.

PHONE OPERATOR (V/O):

Hello. Police.

LOU:

Hello, I'd like to report a –

Andy hits Lou's head with the pan. Lou falls to the floor, unconscious.

PHONE OPERATOR (V/O):

Hello? Hello?

ANDY:

(Picks up the phone). The thief that invaded here is gone somewhere up north.

He puts the phone down.

LATER…

Poor Lou gets up, but he doesn't feel great.

LOU:

Oh! What a nightmare! Andy? Where are you?

He finds Andy sitting in his wheelchair.

ANDY:

I'm here and I haven't had any breakfast yet!

LOU:

(Looks at his watch). Oh, my gosh. It's 11:30! I'm sorry. I'll get to it straight away. Oh, what a kerfuffle!

Lou goes to the kitchen. ANGLE ON: Andy, wiping his forehead.

ANDY:

Phew! (To Lou) Don't forget to make me some ice cream for afters!

* * *

NARRATOR (V/O):

And so our voyage around Britain has come to an end. This is the best documentary series in the world. Only foreigners will disagree. To prove them wrong, check out our next episode next week. Good off!


End file.
